


Love Somebody, Zutto Ai wo Matte, Matte (Love somebody, always waiting, waiting for love)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, NewS (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 21:31:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14222208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: With Keiichiro it was different.Because he always tried too much; he forced himself to smile, he forced himself to be cheerful, he forced himself to talk even when he didn’t feel like it, as if he was bothered by the silence in the green rooms.





	Love Somebody, Zutto Ai wo Matte, Matte (Love somebody, always waiting, waiting for love)

Tegoshi didn’t feel at ease.

Since a few days, he had had a weird feeling. As if there was something wrong, something he couldn’t name.

He thought about it for a while, and he had finally realized that.

There was something wrong with Koyama.

It had taken him a while to notice, and the thought made him uncomfortable. Had there been any trouble with Masuda he would’ve noticed straight away, he would’ve gone to him to ask him what was wrong, tormenting him to make him cave.

He would’ve noticed if it had been Shige, because he wouldn’t have missed to let him know.

He would’ve noticed if it had been Ryo, _everyone_ would’ve noticed, because when Nishikido had something wrong he became even more irritable than usual.

And he would’ve noticed as well if it had been Yamapi, who tended to become quieter than usual, stop talking and moping.

With Keiichiro it was different.

Because he always tried too much; he forced himself to smile, he forced himself to be cheerful, he forced himself to talk even when he didn’t feel like it, as if he was bothered by the silence in the green rooms.

And now Tegoshi saw it, those smiles, those words, that cheerfulness, couldn’t be true, because then when he turned his back, when he thought no one was watching, it was like Koyama was off.

It bothered him, and he couldn’t even understand why; for sure he was the kind of guy who liked to be in control, who didn’t like not knowing what was going through other people’s minds.

Was it sincere concern or mere curiosity, now that he had seen those shadows on Keiichiro’s face he couldn’t help but think about what had caused them.

That afternoon he got the perfect chance to talk to him about it: after the rehearsal Massu had had to run away for his drama shooting, and Yamashita had done the same.

Kato had disappeared straight away, without saying where he was going, and Ryo had something to do with the Kanjani8.

Ascertained that, Yuya had turned to face the eldest smiling ear to ear, one of those smiles it was hard to run away from.

“They’re all busy, Kei-chan, why don’t we go out to drink something?” he had asked, looking as if he wasn’t going to accept no as an answer.

Koyama had looked at him for a few seconds, as if he was evaluating it.

In the end he didn’t seem to find any good excuse to refuse, and nodded.

“Why not, Tesshi.” he had murmured, and then had smiled. “Your treat of course.” he had added, and Tegoshi couldn’t help but notice how his expression, once again, seemed fake.

Once realized that he kept thinking about it, and felt guilty all over again for not having noticed sooner.

“You’re the senpai, Kei. Your treat.” he had replied.

He was going to play along, if that was what the other wanted.

At least, for the time being.

 

~

 

They were sitting at a bar in Akasaka, and they had both barely touched their beers.

Tegoshi didn’t take it as a good sign.

They had made small talk, and he had kept waiting for the right chance to initiate the conversation he truly wanted to have, but had realized that if he wasn’t going to rush it, he could’ve waited forever and the chance would’ve never come.

“Kei-chan.” he said then, taking advantage of a moment of silence.

“What is it, Yuya?” the other asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No, I should be the one asking what is it. There’s something wrong, Keiichiro, and don’t try to pretend there’s not because it won’t work.” he said, serious, and determined not to let the other’s smiles con him.

Koyama kept still for a second, likely thinking about how wise it would’ve been to lie.

In the end, though, he sighed.

“It’s not the end of the world, Tegoshi. Nor it’s something incurable. I’m just a bit off, I just have to wait for it to pass.” he whispered, lowering his eyes on the table in front of him.

The younger kept staring at him, still resolved to get to the end of it.

“Not buying it, Keiichiro. How long have you been like this? Weeks? It looks like it’s taking too long to pass, so... maybe talking about it could help.” the irritated tone with which he had started the sentence had faded, it had sweetened, because he actually had no right to believe he knew what was going through Koyama’s mind.

He didn’t want to be the whimsical one, he just wanted to know what was making him so melancholic.

But the other seemed to be bothered by it; his expression, normally relaxed, got tense.

“Exactly, Yuya. It’s been like this for weeks. Why did you decide _now_ to come and talk to him?” he asked, challenging, but then didn’t let answer. “Because you didn’t notice, right? Because after all, who cares about Koyama, he’s always fine. It’s not necessary to worry about him, he’ll sure be alright on his own.” he attacked him, then stood up and went to the counter to pay for the beers.

Tegoshi stayed there, staring at the now empty seat in front of him.

His eyes were wide open, his expression surprised.

It took him a while to react, standing up and following the elder, who was already walking out.

He joined him outside, grabbing his arm. He didn’t force it, but it was enough; Koyama stopped, taking a deep breath before turning toward him.

“I’m sorry, Yuya. But, really, I don’t feel like talking. I’m in a bad mood, that’s true, but... there’s nothing you should worry about.” he said, his voice close to exasperation.

Tegoshi bit his lip.

He saw in his eyes a sort of beg to let it go. He could feel how much he wanted to leave, right now,  so that he wouldn’t have to have that conversation.

But he _hated_ giving up.

He closed his eyes briefly, cursing himself beforehand.

“Kei-chan...” he murmured, getting closer to him as not to put a show in the middle of the street. “I’m sorry I haven’t realized it before. You’re right, I’m so used to see you happy that I didn’t even notice, and I’m sorry for that. But now I’m here, I’m your friend, and if you have a problem...” he started to say, but the other stopped him.

“That’s the problem, Tegoshi!” he said, too loud. Then he looked around, sighing, and toning it down. “The problem is that you’re here to listen to me. The problem is that you’re my friend. And that you’re the last person I want to talk to about this.” he hissed, looking severe at him.

The younger frowned.

He was caught off guard, he didn’t know what to make of Koyama’s last words.

Once he came to, he grabbed his wrist and pulled him back inside the bar.

They sat at the same table and Tegoshi leant toward him, trying to control the tone of his voice.

“What does it mean the last person? What have I done to you?” he asked, feeling hurt and annoyed.

Koyama sighed. He lowered his eyes, as if he couldn’t look at him.

“Yuya... really, it’s useless for me to tell you about it.” he tried again, but there was some sort of resignation in his voice, because he knew he had let it go too far for the other to decide to let it go.

“Let me decide whether it’s useless or not.” the younger replied right away.

He saw Keiichiro shifting his weight on the chair, moving his legs and arms, as if he couldn’t find a comfortable position.

He was clearly antsy, and Tegoshi wanted to know why.

“You’re the last person I want to talk to about it because I’m like this for you, Yuya.” he murmured in the end.

The younger didn’t seem to understand completely yet, and kept looking at him questioning.

“Because of me? And what did I do to make you feel this way?” he asked, accusatory. Koyama glared at him, as if he was mad for having been misunderstood.

“Not _because of_ you, but _for_ you. It’s different.” he explained, then sighed one more time and went back talking. “I’m in love with you, Yuya.” he declared in the end, managing just now to look him in the eyes.

Tegoshi fell silent.

He kept looking at him, because he couldn’t move, even though his instinct told him that he didn’t want to look at him anymore, he didn’t want to see him, that it wasn’t the wise thing to do.

He had expected anything.

It wasn’t rare that he hurt the people around him without even realizing it. He always talked too much, and not everyone liked what he had to say.

He would’ve expected anything, except that.

_I’m in love with you._

Yuya thought of himself as a rational person.

 _I’m in love with you..._ not ‘I’ve fallen in love with you’. Which implied that it wasn’t so recent.

He thought about the past few weeks.

He thought about Massu and him, how they had finally told the others they were together.

About how Koyama had started getting sadder and sadder with the passing days.

It made sense, and he cursed himself for not having thought about it sooner.

He half closed his eyes, still looking at him.

“I... Kei, I don’t know what to say.” he admitted, a humility in his voice that he was sure he had never had.

The elder smiled, bitterly.

“You don’t have to say anything, Yuya. It’s me who shouldn’t have told you. It’s just that...” he hesitated, as if he was undecided whether to keep talking or not. “It’s just that when you and Massu had told us about you, I’ve felt completely useless. Because I’ve never been able to tell you how I felt, as if it had suddenly become too late. Because you and him have known each other longer, but I think I understand you... _better._ That I could love you more than he does. I’m the only one who can see past your ice armour, Yuya.” he said, his voice becoming weaker.

Tegoshi frowned, serious.

“Takahisa loves me, Kei. And he knows how I am.” he replied, defensive.

The elder shook his head.

“No. He accepts you for what you are, and that’s all. He accepts your whims, he accepts your unjustified hysteria, he accepts your bad temper. But he’s convinced you’re just that. I _know_ it’s not all there, Yuya. I know you’re better than you show, I’ve always seen it in the small things. I...” he fell silent, and Tegoshi knew he wasn’t going any further.

He kept quiet for a few minutes, his mind working incessantly.

He had been knowing Keiichiro for years.

They had become friends straight away, because it was impossible not to get along with Kei, even for someone with his attitude.

That attitude that, listening to him, didn’t end with the bad sides.

Tegoshi had never seen the positive ones. He was aware of his flaws, and hearing that it was not all there was to him made him feel... weird.

But Kei wasn’t wrong, all in all. Masuda loved him like he was, but had never seen in him anything different than what he showed.

And how could Tegoshi demand he did, when he couldn’t either?

He looked Koyama in the eyes, and inside himself he knew that he had an answer, that he didn’t even have to think too much about it.

He knew that under different circumstances, at a more appropriate time, perhaps he could’ve even fall in love with him.

He could’ve let him love him, because he was damn good at it.

But he had made his choice.

And he knew that, as much as he didn’t want to hurt Kei, he couldn’t stop thinking about Masuda’s face, about the way he was able to make him happy, with minimum effort.

He just had to be strong now, and hold on to him.

Tegoshi had been the one who had wanted it, and he couldn’t even think about himself with someone else.

“Kei...” he started, but the elder stopped him.

“I don’t want an answer, Yuya, because I didn’t ask anything of you. I would’ve also spared you to make you feel sorry for me, but I remind you, you’re the one who insisted.” he smiled. “Now I’ve told you, and all in all I’m not sorry that you know how I feel. But don’t worry about me, I’ve grown accustomed to the thought that you...” he bit his lip. “That there’s never going to be something between us. I’m not saying I don’t feel bad about it, I’m just saying that it’s a thought that by now is a part of me.” he stood up. “I’m sorry, Yuya.” he said then, and it did nothing but increasing the younger’s guilt, the thought that he had the one to feel sorry for that love that Yuya couldn’t reciprocate.

He stood as well, getting close to Keiichiro, hesitating.

“Thank you, Kei-chan. I may not love you back, but... I’m glad that there’s someone in the world who thinks I’m a better person than I show.” he said, serious.

The elder smiled, making as to pat his shoulder, even though then he seemed to change his mind.

“If you were ever to waver, you know who to go to.” he replied, a more confident smile than the others.

Tegoshi chuckled.

“If you know me so well, you know it won’t happen.”

Koyama shrugged.

“I will wait.” he said, turning away and getting out of the bar.

Yuya waved at him, but Koyama barely noticed.

He didn’t follow him, his instinct told him not to.

He knew Keiichiro wasn’t well.

And still, he was hopeful. He had proved himself stronger than he had given him credit for.

Much more than him, for sure.

He felt a vague melancholy growing inside him, until he remembered of the reason behind his decision.

He thought about Massu, his smile, how serene he felt when he was with him.

He was never going to let him go.


End file.
